Never tell your password to anyone.
Monday, October 07, 2013
8:32 PM - swim: Has chuu responded to any of your pms at all?
8:33 PM - Patriot: I had an entire conversation with him last night
8:33 PM - swim: He wouldnt say a single fucking thing to me
8:33 PM - swim: And I'm SERIOUSLY depressed.
8:33 PM - swim: It makes me want to die, and regret getting into any relationship.
8:34 PM - swim: I tried cutting one of my fingers off earlier last week.
8:34 PM - Patriot: Before we talk further about this, I really wanna know your perspective of the entire situation.
8:34 PM - swim: I can somewhat see the bone, but It fucking hurts.
8:34 PM - swim: My perspective?
8:34 PM - Patriot: Chuu gave me his, and he also showed me the puushes you sent him.
8:34 PM - swim: Basically, I'm through.
8:34 PM - swim: I'm done with it all.
8:34 PM - swim: I want to eat shit and die a shit.
8:34 PM - Patriot: Relax.
8:35 PM - swim: I can't relax when depression is getting the most of me.
8:35 PM - swim: I want to JUMP off a fucking building right now.
8:35 PM - swim: I hope the fence below would slice my dick off too.
8:35 PM - swim: I won't need it where I'm going.
8:35 PM - Patriot: You remind me of how I used to be.
8:35 PM - Patriot: Depression wise, I mean.
8:36 PM - swim: Ive dreamt of buying an m60 and blowing my head open with it.
8:36 PM - swim: It hurts a lot, and I seriously want to die at this point.
8:36 PM - Patriot: Okay you're seriously scaring me
8:36 PM - swim: I'm not trying to scare anyone..
8:36 PM - swim: I'm scaring myself...
8:37 PM - swim: I found it scary dreaming of me dying while sucking dick.
8:37 PM - swim: It's weird,
8:37 PM - swim: But It's part of the depression I'm getting.
8:37 PM - swim: I can't help it.
8:37 PM - swim: Everything hurts.
8:37 PM - Patriot: I'm surprised you're willing to talk to me in the first place.
8:37 PM - Patriot: I figured you would resent me more than anyone else.
8:38 PM - swim: I wouldn't resent you when I'm completely down in the fucking dumps.
8:39 PM - swim: I really wish more people understood my depression.
8:39 PM - swim: I've already told my counselor about my dreams, and well, they cant do anything about it.
8:39 PM - swim: They look at me strange.
8:39 PM - Patriot: I understand your depression, at least I think I do.
8:39 PM - swim: Like for one point, I thought of cutting my dick off.
8:40 PM - swim: You really wont need to think about it after death.
8:40 PM - swim: It's all bone.
8:40 PM - swim: I cant do it anymore.
8:40 PM - swim: I'm sick and tired.
8:40 PM - Patriot: When you care about  a single person so much that you cling to them and depend on them, when that person leaves and you think it's your fault everything just kind of drops on you.
8:40 PM - swim: It did drop me, I couldn't get it... It's hard to bring the lever up again, especially when you're so down.
8:41 PM - Patriot: Are you able to eat?
8:41 PM - swim: Not really, I'm binging and purging.
8:42 PM - swim: I wish kevin would understand my pain,
8:42 PM - swim: but he's always playing games and fucking around
8:42 PM - swim: my depression hurts.
8:42 PM - swim: I hope you know how I feel.
8:42 PM - Patriot: I do.
8:42 PM - Patriot: For now, everything between you and I involving us at each other's throats is gone.
8:43 PM - swim: I get that feel.
8:43 PM - Patriot: When you get better, if you want to drop me I'll be fine with that.
8:43 PM - swim: It's okay, I think I can bring it up myself. It is under my control only, and well, I may have hard problems trying to achieve it, I won't need to once I regain my own strength.
8:44 PM - Patriot: I'm glad.
8:44 PM - swim: So am I, but it's hard to stay happy when you're in my situation.
8:44 PM - Patriot: I know.
8:44 PM - Patriot: It's just weird to see you like this.
8:44 PM - Patriot: I'm sorry.
8:45 PM - swim: I'm just so down right now.
8:45 PM - swim: That's normal, being an asian, i find a lot of things sad about myself, especially in some aspects.
8:45 PM - Patriot: http://puu.sh/4KqMX.jpg
8:45 PM - Patriot: A little bit to show you I know how it feels.
8:45 PM - swim: Yeah.. I've been doing the same..
8:46 PM - Patriot: I can't get it to stop auto completeing anymore.
8:46 PM - Patriot: It's stuck like that.
8:46 PM - Patriot: I stalked him way more than after me and Kairyn broke up.
8:46 PM - swim: I know that feel..
8:47 PM - Patriot: How about we talk about eachother for a while?
8:47 PM - swim: Alright.
8:47 PM - Patriot: Just to take our minds off things.
8:47 PM - Patriot: You play piano, don't you?
8:48 PM - swim: Yeah,
8:48 PM - swim: I tried writing a sad song, since I can compose a few things for chuu about the situation, but he probably doenst give a shit.
8:48 PM - swim: So I tried composing a song for myself, about how I wanted to die.
8:48 PM - swim: I wanted to die a gruesome, painful death.
8:48 PM - swim: And I tried composing that.
8:48 PM - swim: But I couldn't, it hurt too much.
8:48 PM - Patriot: Reminds me of the time I tried writing a song on guitar for Kairyn and she just talked to me about having sex with me instead.
8:49 PM - swim: I kept getting stuck at d major chords,
8:49 PM - Patriot: How long have you been playing?
8:49 PM - swim: 8 years.
8:49 PM - swim: You play the keyboard too right?
8:50 PM - swim: I wish I can compose, but I'm too sad to.
8:50 PM - Patriot: I can't compose at all
8:50 PM - Patriot: and yeah
8:50 PM - Patriot: I've been playing both guitar and piano for 2 years
8:50 PM - swim: Can you play anything?
8:50 PM - swim: I'm just too sad for anything,
8:50 PM - Patriot: Less now because Algebra 2 is awful
8:50 PM - swim: and I need good music to listen to curb my sadness.
8:50 PM - Patriot: I would play something for you but my shitty headset decided to stop charging the other day
8:50 PM - Patriot: so I'm stuck with a webcam mic and I can't set that up correctly
8:51 PM - Patriot: You've seen some of the stuff in my last.fm, right?
8:51 PM - Patriot: Yanni tells me it's just really relaxing stuff.
8:51 PM - Patriot: So heres a song I've been really enjoying lately
8:51 PM - Patriot: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=O_ahJwZGLbU
8:51 PM - swim: Yeah...
8:52 PM - swim: this stuff gets me pretty sad..
8:52 PM - Patriot: I listen to really sad music.
8:52 PM - Patriot: Mostly.
8:52 PM - Patriot: well
8:52 PM - Patriot: Frank Turner just fucking writes sad music in general
8:52 PM - swim: I know that feel...
8:53 PM - Patriot: Do you still play dota?
8:53 PM - Patriot: Yanni tells me you're not on as much
8:53 PM - swim: I'm not too much into it anymore.
8:53 PM - swim: It reminds me too much of chuu
8:53 PM - swim: and I want to die
8:53 PM - Patriot: You're making me think about things.
8:54 PM - Patriot: I've been dating a girl lately.. and I opened myself really up to her. Showed her everything I'm interested in and I'm becoming part of her as well. Or it feels like it.
8:54 PM - Patriot: And now, listening to you.. I think it's going to become another Kairyn for me.
8:54 PM - swim: Yeah, I know that feel, except I didn't do it with a girl, so I don't know how you feel.
8:54 PM - Patriot: I wasn't able to do anything for a bit after Kairyn just ran off on me so quickly.
8:55 PM - Patriot: then she just
8:55 PM - Patriot: Fucking insults me over and over and makes me feel even worse
8:55 PM - Patriot: I know I deserved it
8:55 PM - Patriot: ...Actually, thats wrong..
8:55 PM - Patriot: No
8:55 PM - Patriot: No one deserves to feel like you and I do or did.
8:55 PM - swim: Yeah.
8:56 PM - Patriot: I've done bad things, but that doesn't make me a bad person... does it?
8:56 PM - swim: It doesn't.
8:56 PM - swim: Never let that bring you down, when you cant keep it up.
8:56 PM - swim: I'm pretty down right now, because im not excited about the fact that im depressed.
8:57 PM - Patriot: Also.
8:57 PM - Patriot: If you ever need just a friendly group of people to talk to
8:57 PM - Patriot: http://steamcommunity.com/groups/LATTHALBOF
8:57 PM - Patriot: Join this and just come into chat
8:57 PM - swim: Alright.
8:57 PM - swim: I kind of down right now, and I just want to sleep.
8:57 PM - Patriot: These people are all really good friends of mine and they're all incredibly nice people.
8:57 PM - swim: We can talk some other time, yes?
8:58 PM - Patriot: Of course.
8:58 PM - Patriot: Get some rest.
8:58 PM - Patriot: If you can't sleep or need anything, I'll be here for an extra hour or so.