My depressing life story. Written by Lukas Simms, on 12/7/13. Posted on 4chan.org initially at 11:34 EST. Saudia, if you ever read this, I made an even bigger mistake than you had made originally, and I'm sorry. Thread topic: SAY IT! Get it off your chest now! It begins... Oh thank god, a place where I can vent the inner frustrations that make me. Get a coffee, this will take a while. Since I was in kindergarten, I have always wanted a girlfriend. Well, a girlfriend, and my first kiss. There were many girls in my class of 20 that at the time I found to be solid 10/10's. One of the girls, who i would have ranked 11/10, invited me to her 6th birthday party, I was madly in love with her, and I could tell she knew i wanted her vagina. But she invited me anyway, and it was a pool party. I had just gotten done swimming and I changed into my regular clothes (a thomas the tank engine t-shirt and hot wheels shorts.). Suddenly the birthday girl walks up to me and asks me to follow her, so I do. She brings me into her bedroom, her best friend (I believe her name was Catherine) was sitting on the b-day girl's bed with a smile. The birthday girl then pulls me into her closet, which was just large enough for two to fuck each other in. We're in the closet, and she kisses me one peck on the cheek, and then one peck on the mouth. She smiled and then opened the closet door and I was still kind of stunned that the 'hottest bitch in the world just kissed me twice, and I'm only 5' I can't fully recall what followed, but I left her room, then an hour later the party was over and I went home. The point is; I have accomplished the first kiss, early on. From then on, I have not ever had a kiss, nor a girlfriend. I'm not bad looking, I'm not great looking, I'm just slightly above average, but of course, every fucking cunt on the planet wants a calvin klein looking boyfriend who will buy them one direction tickets and all that fucking stupid shit that will never happen as long as they live... Every night since about second grade, instead of just falling asleep and dreaming, my mind decides to night-daydream. I pretty much am in a lucid dream state, but I'm not asleep, i'm basically daydreaming like I would in a class, but it's at night. >>519967903 Continued. During this dream state, I would think of the girl I was currently in love with (yes, love. and most of the girls were just girls that existed, I never once talked to them, they had no idea I existed, literally, I was a hopeless romantic ghost.) and I would imagine myself just making love to that girl for hours. I wouldn't fall asleep until around 3:00 AM each night. Sometimes I wish just to go to sleep and not think about the girls I'm in love with, but I never had control in the first place of these dreams, and I can't figure out how to make it stop. Fast forward to 9th grade. In 9th grade I realized that my biggest turn on is dark skin. Pic related, it is a girl who looked exactly like the girl I will describe soon enough. I don't like black girls, they just aren't appealing to me, however dark skin, such as indian girls, or sri lankans, hot as fuck. In 9th grade there was this girl, Saudia. She said she was from Guyana, but I can tell the difference between a Guyanese woman and a Indian woman. She was definitely Indian. She was maybe the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, and she still is in my opinion. From far away her dark skin draws my eye toward her because she's not the usual color of the average woman. Once I lay my eyes on this beautiful woman I focus even more on her. The closer she is the more lovestruck I become. I had her in like 4 of my classes out of 7, and I spoke 4 words to her in that entire year. We were in the school computer lab doing an online thing that lets you pick the classes you wanted for the next year's schedule, Saudia sat right next to me, so I instantly became paranoid about my appearance, my attitude, the way I was sitting, Everything. The whiteboard behind me had the link to the site we go to to register our schedule. Saudia saw that I was at the right page, but she didn't think to look at the board, because we normally were not in the computer lab. >>519969753 (You) Continued. She turned to me and asked, "How did you get to that page?" I, now redfaced with shyness and awkwardness, managed to say the sentence I needed to say to answer her question. I turned and pointed to the whiteboard behind me, and said "It's right over there." "Thanks!" *nods head* That's the only time I spoke to her in 9th grade. 10th grade, I went from just being an admirer who would look at her as she walked by, and became her stalker. I found her facebook profile and I saved every picture of her as possible (she deleted her profile a while later, and my hard drive had gotten a virus and I lost everything.) I then started to focus on every aspect of her daily routine. She always would sit during lunchtime at the table next to the belltower, dressed fashionably, because she's a classy girl. I sat only about 40 yards away, and had perfect view of her every single day of school. I would take pictures of her, up to 100 a day, just to put them into a special folder. I was a legitimate stalker. I would have asked her out or something in 10th grade, but she had been in a relationship with a guy for her 9th and 10th grade year, so I knew better. I never spoke to her once in 10th grade. 11th grade, about the end of the first semester, I see her sitting alone, about 10 yards in front of me, crying deep emotional cries. I walk over to her and sit next to her and asked what was the problem. "Oh, Lukas, *sniffle* Keefer just dumped me, after 2 years of being together. *tear rolls down her cheek*" "Oh my god, that's so sad, you two made a great couple" >YES! FINALLY ITS POSSIBLE TO EVEN CONSIDER ASKING HER OUT! I told her that she could cry on my shoulder, she can tell me all about it, etc. Because I was there for her when she had hit rock bottom, she developed a strong emotional attatchment to me almost immediately. From then on she and I had become essentially best friends. >>519971696 (You) Continued. After 2 weeks of getting to know her better and becoming better friends with her, I felt it was time to ask her if I could be her new boyfriend and replace Keefer as the man who you can turn to at any point for any reason. "So Saudia, we've been friends for a while now, and I've been wanting to say this since 9th grade, but only now do I have the strength to say this, I think you are the most beautiful, interesting, and friendly girl in the world." "aww, thanks Lukas." "I wanted to know if you would maybe want to go on a date with me sometime." "Oh." >oh? well, I can already tell this is a no. "I thought you were just trying to be a good friend in my time of need, not just trying to get a girlfriend after she just went through the worst breakup she's ever been a part of." "I didn't mean it like that Saudia, I was just trying to be a good friend, I just wanted to know if you thought I would be a good match for you." >too late, she's already made up her mind about me. "sorry, but you can't convince me otherwise, I've had experience with boyfriends in the past, and they're all the same, they just want the girl so they can brag to their friends." >in what fucking way am I like that "I'm sorry I asked." "I'm sorry I trusted you to be my best friend." And that was the last time I ever spoke to her. >tl;dr megafriendzoned, the feels go from feelsbadman to worse. She avoided all contact with me from 11th grade through 12th. She changed her phone number and e-mail, she deleted her facebook profile, she vanished from all communication from me. From that point, I pretty much was on the verge of committing suicide, with an emotional catastrophe like I had endured, what's the point of even continuing anymore? Now we reach me after just graduating high school. I had a job, I worked at a small sign company, they did graphics and banners and all that shit. It was good pay for little amount of work. >>519973815 Continued. I was at work, manning the front desk while the secretary went out on lunch break, when suddenly, Saudia walks in. >oh great, here comes the feels again. "Hey Lukas, it's been a while." "Yes it has, Saudia, you still look beautiful as before." "You've gotten better looking than when I last remembered seeing you." "yes." "Well I just came to say to you that I never got to thank you for being there for me when Keefer had left me, I regret saying what I did, I wasn't thinking rationally and I ended up losing possibly the man I would have fallen in love with forever." "I don't know if I can accept your appology, after the way you reacted." "Maybe this will make you change your mind." *she leans over the counter and kisses me* >wow, the moment I've been waiting years for is finally happening, and yet I'm still so angry at how she treated me , with no reason either, apology not accept. *I pull my face away* "You had your chance, and you turned me down. You could have apologized at some point within the last two years of high school we had together, and you never once spoke to me in that time, as soon as I graduated I knew you wanted nothing to do with me, so I decided I wanted nothing to do with you either. And that's the way it is." "But--" "Saudia, please leave or I will have to have you escorted out of the building." *her lip starts to quiver, and one tear rolls down her cheek* "okay, I'm sorry, you won't ever have to deal with me again. Goodbye, Lukas." "Goodbye, Saudia." >immediate feeling of regret hits me >I just turned down a shot at love with her >and instead I threw it right back in her face like she did to me. And that part of the story ^, was yesterday. Do I know what the future holds? No. But hopefully it won't be as fucking emotionally scarring as it's been so far. The End.