if post 11 isnt up or you cant see it then the whole story is here: https://www.dropbox.com/s/rdtrg9ohqo9e1b7/My%20story%20time.txt 

Im going through a hard time in life and i feel like i will never find anyone like who ive lost ever again but i need to be hopeful she will come back. at the moment i want to take a bottle of pain pills and go into a corner and cry then OD but i wont becouse right now im thinking of the good things in life and improving myself so that i can find someone that wants me. i want that person to come back sure but she might be better off without me, i dont know maybe not. im hoping she was confused and just angry for the moment but i will never know how she really feels. my suggestion to anyone in this same position is to just look at the good things in life and hope that things come good again, if it dosent come good well i suppose just look up to the good things. all my life bad things have happend and they dont pan out right but one thing ive noticed is that sometimes its better to just gives things a break and give them time to unload some stress and confusion, its good to give the person you love a break when they get stressed dont pile up on it and make them want to leave you, i know this becouse ive done pretty much all that. ive treated someone that loved me like shit and i was a moron and a cold hearted narrow minded cunt that only did what i did becouse of my own selfish reasons and i hurt someone who i loved and i destroyed someones trust in the process. im currently hoping i will be given a chance that i dont desserve, i hope you who reads this wont do what i have done. 

i hope this story has helped you as it has helped me and make you realise a persons love shouldnt be taken for granted and shouldnt be treated as a given or as a thing you desserve, love is something that you need to work for and its something you need to respect. 

one final thing. if i was given a chance at love i wouldnt fuck it like i did ever again. 





Updates along the way: 

1. ERGH I WANNA JUMP OUT OF MY FUCKING SKIN! 

i feel like my skin is crawling and im stressed as fuck too wich dosent help at all, my hair is also kinda falling out but thats the stress so yeah my anxiety is acting up badly this morning and it feels like my situation is just gonna get worse as i keep living, i feel like offing myself its so bad. im gonna listen to some music and see how i go at school, i have a feeling ill feel even worse with the music and school but its worth a try. 


2. Still sad 

well i feel alittle calmer but theres still the anxiety and heartbreak left so you could say its all the same as this morning and last night its just kinda becoming a normal feeling. the music didnt help much and school kinda made it worse at times during the day, it seems the more i hope that things get better the worse they get and the more i try to make it better it gets worse. i dont know what to do but i suppose i can still be a mindless husk like i used to be. ill post another one of these every morning and every afternoon as a journal sorta thing. 


3. Getting out 

well its been awhile since i wrote something here and over the time ive been slowly losing my love for her and slowly becoming more lonely and lifeless with each day that goes past. not too long ago my grandpa passed his funeral may be on friday its been sad but ive never really been the kind to mourn over the dead. overall this week has been me fading away to a husk. 


4. A Man With Nothing To Lose 

Welp looks like i havent gotten over her, shes still in my heart and raging a war as im trying to get her back once again. Well i only have few people i can get help from on this and they are the people that have cotact with her, it seems to her that i have something to lose by chasing after her but what she will never realise is that im a man with no one to love and no one to love him back wich means im a man with nothing to lose but everything to gain just by chasing her. i may kill myself over this girl one day but the day that happens is when my chances are at the zero point. recently she sent my friend that is a friend of hers a message, heres how it went down, i asked my friend a favor and that was to ask the woman i love what id have to do to have her back, she then sent me back something here it is. 
7:25 PM - Seth: for me to be able to have her on my friends list 
7:26 PM - Seth: just ask her that one thing 
7:31 PM - ??Hyeeboa??: Goatcharge: Honestly, Nothing he does. 
Goatcharge: Will make me want him back. 
Goatcharge: Or even feel happy with having him on my freindslist 
Sure this will all make me look like a obsessive wierdo or maybe even a tool but this woman i am chasing is a woman that once gave me love and she is a woman that once accepted me as the fucked up sadistic wierdo i was, sure i had some drama problems and sure i have some mental issues i need to deal with but she looked past them until a few weeks ago and that was when i decided to write this thing on my profile. in the end im not sure what will happen to me, maybe ill figure out my chances and find out they are zero percent and then kill myself or maybe ill get her back as a friend or a mate but no matter what happens atleast ill leave behind this useless text box of a story of love. after all they do call it love when your willing to do anything for the person you love, even if it means carving a 50 word love letter into your thigh. after all my body is littered with peoples names and pet names that are carved into my skin with my knife so why not a love letter. 


5. she tooke me back 

she took me back and she took jes back wich makes me very happy frankly im over the moon and honestly i feel as if i dont desserve this chance after all the shit ive done, over all i need to realise my flaws and fix them and realise where i have to piss off and leave everyone alone. maybe ill be better off dead and maybe she would be happy but i dont know i think i just need to go away from everyone for awhile and drop dead. in the end of all this i need to man the fuck up and stop drinking and stop smoking up and stop using it all to avoid my problems and just face them with both fists and beat my problems and fix my broken flaws. ill get back to you all if you decide to bother with my story. 


6. the ride before 

before she took me back it was alot of drinking smoking and crying and talking to my best mate, he helped me out alot but nothing could have cheered me up even the weed and the vodka in the world couldnt make me happy. hell im still sad even tho she took me back, i dont know anymore im just a depressed person and maybe my life will be a drunk one becouse of this relationship maybe ill be a mess of a flesh bag forever. all i can do is try and get up and spread my wings again maybe all that i need is someone to control me and make these decisions for me, in the end all i can do is sit in my own blood and tears and die quietly as my life rushes away from me, maybe i drink too much becouse it helps me wait for a new day and it helps me clean my stomach when i drink too much either way its a matter of what you believe you need to do. if your interested in what i said to get her back and what i attempted to use to get her back this is it. 
8:56 PM - Seth: look minerva i know you dont want to hear it from me and i know what i said to you was terrible and i realise what i did was wrong scummy and disgusting but i love you and love makes us do dumb things the heart is something none of us can control and when i said what i said i couldnt control it. jes didnt want to leave you minerva he left you becouse i constantly hawked him to come with me becouse i was afraid id be alone without him or you by my side so i attached my self to him like a leech and fucked up even more and whats worse is i fucked up jes's chances aswell as mine. look i know this wont get you back but im pouring my heart into this and jes just to have you take me and him back even if you take us back as pets or even if you take us as friends. right now im a man with nothing to lose and no one by his side anymore, infact im not even a man for what i have done to you and for what i have done to jes. 
8:40 PM - Seth: im sorry for the things i wish i could atone for when i thought i was alone when i wanted to dig that knife to my bone i realised i wasnt completly alone but when i felt the metal plunge under my skin it felt like a piece of him when the pain shot up my leg and into my brain it felt like a peg making the pain and never going away and its always gonna stay aslong as your gone and honestly i think it will never be good again untill i realise the pain that ive inflicted uppon you from my ways and in my time away from you its digging deeper and deeper slowly eating at me and beating at me and consuming me maybe one day ill begin resuming what i had left behind and maybe one day i will pick up the shards and carry on with the hearts that i had broken and left behind. minerva i dont know what you will think this will say but please know im staying in my bay and will be ready to pay, over all im sorry for my mistake and the way i used to take from you in my wake i realise what must i do. 



7. alittle drunk 

welp she left me again and this time she was unreasonable and shit and so i let her leave or something like that im alittle drunk so im not sure what to type and stuff but heres the story, she didnt treart me like a real persona and shit then she called me names and told me to kill myself as usual but the only diffrence this time is that im actually thinking about doing it and its hard to stop these thought. right now im drunk and shit and its horrible listening to hinder and crying on my bed alone like this, i just wish someone would come along and help me out you know, but unfortunatly life dosent work like that and it spits in your face just like minerva did to me, she spat in my face and treated me like shit, its funny becouse at first i thought it was me but in actuality it was also her and stuff, she made me like this becouse she was heartless hell i could have been good to her and been everything she wanted but she always spat in my face and treated me like scum so i kept trying to get more love and tried harder and harder and hell i tried so fucking hard that my life became nothing and it became for her wich makes me feel useless now that shes gone. all goatcharge wanted to do was to toy woth my emotions and be heartless and honestly i dont want to crawl back to that and if she crawls back to me then maybe i could try harder for her becouse atleast then id now that she loves me enough to come bac k and take me for who i am and honestly i will try to change but im not gonna make huge changes becouse one person dosent like how i do things in my life becouse if i did then id be turned into a mindless tool wich is what i dont want to do what i want to do is make goatcharge happy and love her and marry her and be hers forever and honselty i hate putting this out here for the world to read but im doing it so that maybe someone can learn from my mistakes and so that someone maybe able to avoid the same shit as me. my whole life ive been called pathetic, stupid, retarded, a bitch, a sped, a dumbass and pretty much every insult you can think of has been used on me and when goatcharge insults me it strikes deep, even tho i have heard the words before it strikes deep becouse they come from her and her words mean gold to me hell they mean the world to me and nothing will change that. all i ever wanted was to know her then be her boyfriend then be her husband and provide for her and be able to please her anyway i could and make her the happiest wife there could be. in the end i got something that i never wanted and that was depression, heartbreak, hate, pain, sadness and emotional torture and hell every fucking day its been hell for me lately, can you imagine being like this just having to deal with anxiety at its fullest and having to cry everynight becouse the person you love hated you and wanted you dead could you fucking imagine.... no you couldnt imagine it becouse you wont end up loving someone as much as i have. 
please take what i have said into mind and think about it becouse it hurts to be like this and its horrible, i just wish goatcharge knew how this felt. 


8. Planning and Hurting 

well im back at square one again and hurting inside and being depressed as always wich sucks soooo much, but im gonna try and keep a level head in this and hopefully be able to fix this. 
after she left me yesterday i got alittle drunk and such and spoke to some people about my problem they seemed to clear it up alittle for me or that was me being intoxicated but today its eating at me and god i miss her abuse and as sad as that sounds, for some reason i do and i miss her glimses of love she gave me or tho she never gave me sympathy for anything and she was always negative and such i still miss her and feel i need her back again. not too long ago i thought i was over her and done thinking of her but all of a sudden i need her again and have such deep love again, yes love is a bitch but we crave it and when we dont get it you end up like me, a depressed dumbass who cant think straight and thats why you need to talk to friends and try get some ideas. sitting her listening to sad songs of love do not help me resist the feeling of trying to get her back and they dont help me at all they just make me cry and want to go buy some more hash, but i have no money so i cant buy any hash. i wonder if she would miss me over time or even care about me if i wasnt there, i wonder this becouse all she seems to do is toy with my emotions and feelings always doing this to me and it hurts soo much god ive carved her name into my leg 3 times already over all the shit thats happend and honestly i feel like killing myself would actually help me out and actually stop all the pain and stress of this, sometimes i think its too late to hold onto my life and sometimes i think all the people around me just deal with me like im a common problem. all i ever wanted in a relationship with goatcharge was to love her and treat her like a queen and maybe just have her be there to give me alittle bit of sympathy when i need it and maybe be there just to listen to my problems when im depressed, all goatcharge did was toy with me and make me depressed and make me want her more than anything, goatcharge never even gave me sympathy for anything when i needed she never even listened to my problems she just told me to fuck off and whenever she needed that or needed anykind love she asked and i would give that to her. i see she isnt the only one that did wrong and i do see that i fucked up too but we all fuck up and we all let our emotions get us where it hurts. 


9. ERGH THE ANXIETY! 

well i re-added her and i have terrible anxiety and heres whats happend. well this morning i woke up and i was feeling pretty good no anxiety or anything i felt pretty good then i realised i was hungry yet didnt want to eat anything and ever since 2 days ago i havent eaten im feeling pretty bad at the moment and my anxiety is unbearable right now becouse i started getting bad axiety when i started thinking about minerva and so i couldnt stand it i added her again and now i gotta crawl back, just sitting here waiting to see if she adds me or not is nerv racking and its killing me inside with the anxiety becouse its so strong right now and the hunger pains are even worse its all killing me slowly i hate it im just sitting and waiting, its horrible becouse you know that you have no control over anything in this situation and you gotta have hope and try to keep going and its horrible becouse you know somewhere in your mind that it wont work how you need it to and its horrible becouse you just know in your head that something bad will happen god i hate it its torture to have to feel this shit i just wish she would take me back and let me just crawl back already becouse its horrible to feel this its acting up worse than ever but then again this is the longest ive been away from her and its horrible. every time i see a little window for steam pop up in the corner it gets my hopes up making me think its goatcharge coming back but then you see that its not her and it feels like a stone dropping in your chest and landing into some water making a sinking feeling it makes your anxiey act up even more than it already is. sometimes i wish she was understanding like she used to be the time when i cried to her, she understood me then and she tried to take care of me and tried to make me happy, she did make me happy i just wish i made her happy and made her be able to make me happy while i made her happy. honestly just having her around and being motherly makes me happy, but she builds up this mistress thing and it feels dead and it feels like all the love is gone and feels like she see's me as a problem and a piece of shit. its hurtful you know and when i think back to when i cried to her i feel like breaking down and crying becouse then after i remember that i think to the pressent and i see that she has left and i fear that all those times we shared and all those happy days we had might never come again, and so i try as hard as i can to get her back and try as hard as i can to make her happy again like she used to be. i just wish she was the same...... 


10. When, Where, how this all will end 

well i dont know where this will end nor how nor when but i have a rough idea of it all so here let me explain it all. i think it will all end when i get my hands on some hard ass chronic, some party pills and some vodka and jager so that way ill die drugged up and slowly that way i will be too fucking drugged up to care if im killing myself, im too much of a bitch to do what i did when i was 10 and im too much of a bitch to do anything to end myself in a way that might hurt so yeah the pills and drinks are the best option. i think it will end in the corner of my room with me drowning in my drunken tears and my own blood then O.D at the end of the crying and slowly fade from the land of the rotten and the rotting well atleast i hope i do. i think it will all end with either 2 things happening and here they are, first of them would have to be the thing thats easier to do wich is Over dosing like ive been talking about and dying pretty damn easily, the other way was disembowling myself with a large knife and with my last breath maybe carve a love letter in my skin or maybe a suicide note, that way i could get one thing to the thick headed teens of our age and that message is that dont fuck with someones emotions and dont leave someone mentaly unstable over a stupid thing such as a dis agreement on what a fucking word means, that would be my message and overall it would mean just love each other for how they are dont try to change them becouse trying to change someone is something no one should do and changing for someone is a big sacrafice so only do it if you are willing to end up like me. i changed for the person and look at me now, im pathetic, useless, broken and depressed so think hard and long about your decisions on who you love and who you attach to, it just happens i attached myself to someone who didnt love me as much as i loved her and dont get me wrong she is a wonderful woman but it kills me to know shes gone. 


11. Im a new man 

well its been a while so i dont know where to begin really, i suppose ill start from where i left. 
so after my last post i took down this whole thing and kinda saved it somewhere incase id need it for something, ive put it back up for others to learn from where i fucked up, and youll be suprised about what i fucked up with. so after i knew she left me for good i realised something and stopped crying and moping, i realised that i didnt fuck up by saying what i said to goatcharge nor was it with how i treated her, i fucked up when i started developing feelings for her, its funny becouse i thought she was a loyal and beuteful soul, when yet she was just a scummy slut that should never have walked into my life.its funny becouse i woke the fuck up and realised that she was emotionally abusing me and toying with my feelings, but you know what she can go die in a fucking hole becouse i finally see that everything i thought of her was a fucking lie and everything i believed was a fucking lie. ive realised i never did anything wrong and that it wasnt my fault, all those days, weeks and months i cried and cut myself where for nothing becouse she wasnt worth it, i know i may seem stupid for realising this all now but i was blind and now i see that i was fucking stupid for ever even believing this fat whore. after all the crying months i met some good people like sophie, leckeine, mr p and shmoo so yeah when i met them my life started getting better and i thank those people more than anyone becouse honestly, id have driven myself mad over goatcharge if they hadnt made me realise i wasnt alone in this fucked up world. im glad that slut goatcharge is gone and that i have no love for her, ive turned it all into hate and rage. 
so if your reading this goatcharge, I hope you die in a fucking pit of your own shit and piss leaving behind no trace in this world you so very much dont belong in. at the moment im still dealing with drama and bullshit caused by goatcharge and her rp son but its fine becouse ill always remember that they are scum on this planet that need to die off. anyways im off to school and stuff, i didnt really get to talk about everything i wanted to talk about but eh maybe next time 


12. Closure 

Sometimes we all need our closure no matter how we get it. lately ive been bottling up all these feelings about goatcharge and how everything went down, its eating at me and making me more angry every fucking second, every minute, every hour and every fucking day its eating away at my sanity and slowly making me fall into a pit of my own anger and regret forcing me to cut myself and punch fucking walls and polls, i dont fucking know anymore. she took me for granted and she fucking used me like i was fucking disposable, just like everyone else does and it pisses me off to know that no one listens to me unless im fucking yelling or crying, its unfortunate but its how our fucked up society works. she knew i was loyal and she knew i gave her all my time and all my fucking love yet she took away my freedom and treated me like i wasnt worthy of her and i was told by my friends everytime i was left crying by her "why dont you leave her, all she does is makes you cry and hurt inside" but i always said that i was fine and that everything would get better, well guess what it never fucking did get better, all that ever happend with time was that she backstabbed me and dropped me and said that i was useless and a fucking idiot, WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT I SUPPOSE I AM USELESS, I SUPPOSE I AM A FUCKING IDIOT BUT HEY ATLEAST I HAVE FUCKING SELF RESPECT AND ENOUGH OF A FUCKING BRAIN TO REALISE YOU NEGLECTED ME! but hey what can i fucking say, you got the best of me and made me like i am so guess what, im gonna find you and im gonna make you realise that you made a young man into a phsycopath, i hope you fucking hurt at night every time you think about how you fucked me over. im fucking done with you and i never want to see you again nor even hear about you, not unless its about you hanging yourself just like you told me youd always do. honestly i think you should fucking hang yourself for the way you fucked with my emotions and feelings, i think you should fucking impale yourself on a flag pole while wearing a sing around your neck saying "i fucking manipulate people and whore myself out to everyone" yeah thats right whore, i know your a fucking whore and i know you parade around begging every single male to fuck you, fuck man it makes me thank fuck that i have more morals than to fuck every female i see like jesus fucking christ its amazing to see how a selfish fucking whore can make so many friends, oh wait it isnt that amazing becouse all you needed to do is fuck everyone you met. fucking whore im finished with your skanky fucking ass and you know what, you can shove the closure thing up your gaping asshole becouse i honestly dont want any closure over a fat ugly fucking whore. 
oh and one more thing, FUCK YOU MINETTA! i fucking trusted you, you were like a brother to me, but you turn around and fucking stab me in the fucking back. 


13. A lonely fucking road 

well i guess it does fucking suck to be as low as i am, i guess it does fucking suck to be a sick twisted fuck with a brain like a unstable nuclear reactor but hey what can i say, its a fucked up sadistic world out there and no one is gonna give you sympathy becouse everyone has their own fucking shit to deal with. its the cold and hard truth about this stupid ass world, hell sometimes i wish i could just flip my fucking shit and go on a killing spree but i cant becouse i wouldnt get away with it. people say im selfish, stupid, useless, annoying, a low life and scum but its funny becouse i look at their lives and see nothing better than what they call me, the truth is that everyone is this fucking world is fucked in the head it just depends if they have the fucking guts to tell people their problems and if they have the fucking guts to let the sickening side out, im one of those people who just dosent give a fuck what people think of me and yeah i find it funny to see a small child get his fucking head cut off but i have a twisted sense of humour, one thing that pisses me right off tho is the fucktards that say "oh my god what the fuck is wrong with you" i hate those fucking idiots becouse they dont see that im human it seems. if one more fucking person walks up to me and says "your a freak" im just gonna fucking lose it and smash that fucking whores face into a poll then pull out a knife and make that face of theirs look like something from a fucking nightmarem but hey its a lonely road being me, i remember when i was little i wanted to be famous and i wanted to have so much money that i wouldnt fucking care for the bullies that made me like i am, its funny to see how high we aim when we are kids but then society tells us "NO you cant be famous if you are fat, anerexic, short, too tall or not too smart" thanks society for all the help in making our dreams come true. if i ever see a person break a childs dreams or a father (or step father) hit a fucking kid like what happend to me ill stab them in the fucking eye with a rusty needle covered in aids, i have no fucking tolerance for cunts like my step father and i never will but hey thats all a diffrent story for me to tell another time, maybe you will still be reading my profile by then but i fucking doubt it alot becouse no one could give two fucks for someone that speaks how they feel. 

CONGRATS if you read all of this. 
if youve read all of this rambling about love and drama, youve made a depressed sack of shit happy 
leave a comment and tell me what you think about all this, it would be greatly appreaciated