Today
Steven Todd
1:34pm
Steven Todd
Don
Err. wrong chat. Ignore that.
Steven Todd
3:32pm
Steven Todd
Hrm. I goofed up by messaging you but while I have your attention I guess now feels like a good time to approach this. 
I want you to read this with an open mind.
I think we need to talk in person eventually, and I know you are angry with me but please consider it, I only want to make things better. 
I want to start by saying that this isn't the best way to go about this because tone and other small details aren't always properly conveyed via text, but I am afraid of talking to you in person because I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to stir up trouble or being antagonistic whatsoever. I want you to read this knowing that my intentions are sincere, and that I do not write this with any anger, or depression, or snark, only resolution is on my mind right now. I write this message in a calm state of mind, clear of any hurt feelings or sadness and want to reiterate that I hope you read this in the same way.
When I tried to kiss you last Friday it was an honest thing. I did not mean to intrude on your space, scare or hurt you at all, and in the moment I didn't even realize the impact of what I had done until Sydney messaged me on Skype. I would never intentionally trigger you and it makes me angry when people who have been hurt in the past choose to hurt others, like what my cousin Adam did to that poor little girl. I want you to know that I understand what you said about the PDA stuff, but I had thought the environment was different because Sydney is your friend and knows how I feel. I guess I thought it was a "safe" place to do that. I know that I upset you and I want you to understand that what I did was the wrong way to approach things, but more importantly, also an honest mistake. I absolutely did not set out to hurt you, and I'm sorry if perception vs. intent clouds things up.
Putting my depression on you was the wrong thing to do. I was just so overwhelmed that I wasn't considering all aspects of what I was doing. I had my release and catharsis, and I actually feel a lot more positive about most things in my life right now.
I don't want you to think that I was trying to kiss you knowing that it would upset you, knowing that we share a traumatic experience, but that I tried doing it because in that moment I was just happy to be around you.
I couldn't have known that I would trigger you and having gone through abuse, I never want to see another person hurt like I was. I only mention that I don't have anybody to talk to about this stuff because I honestly don't, and am not trying to guilt you or have you pity me. I have a hard time recognizing other people's triggers and I'm only really familiar with my own. I'm sorry that I did what I did. On my last message, with the suicide bit, I'm sorry about that as well. That was a cruel thing to say, and I said it knowing that you are a very direct person, and when I am upset and being direct with people I would tell them something harsh like that, not really thinking about the impact of that.
I want to give distance but also want to feel like things have been resolved and as a result feel conflicted. I ask that you not go to anger when you think of me, but understand if you choose to. I don't mean to make you feel like I'm guilt tripping you, that's not my intent at all, I just vocalize when I am upset and I don't blame you for me feeling sad, that's my own doing. I've talked to some people and I have a plan I for my future, so I feel less panicky and like I have more control over things in my life now. I threw away my blade and I'm flicking myself with rubber bands because I told Mrs. P that I had started cutting again. She understood, I assume she is familiar with abuse as well, and didn't judge. She helped me, and I feel much more at peace. There are things I can and can't control or have an impact on, and this is something I know I can do something about. I want to feel at peace with you, and I want you to feel at peace with me.
I don't want this to go unresolved, I care too much about you to want things to become toxic, or passive aggressive. 
I understand that you were upset last Friday, but by having Sydney tell me that we were broken up for you over the internet, and not even in person, made me feel rejected and dismissed, and so I panicked. 
Read this knowing that I've learned from what I did and only want to go on being happy. I want to discuss this with you because I know that you're capable of forgiveness, and I trust you enough to tell you my deepest secrets. I do not have anybody who I feel like I can talk to on the level that I can with you, because I finally found someone who also had bad things happen to them and has had to live with that. I can't have that connection with anybody else, and I can't really put it into words other than I feel like I cannot fully identify with someone who can only pity me because they don't know what it's like. I don't want pity, only sympathy and understanding. You're the one person I don't feel detached from in a thousand different ways for a million different reasons and call it assigning too much meaning to things if you want, or being clingy, or whatever, but I really do honestly feel like things with you are different from things with anybody else.
To reiterate, I'm sorry, I didn't not mean to harm even if it is what ended up happening mistakenly, I only want to move on from here, and hope that you want to as well. I know by sending this message it's going to test your patience, and I do not want you to feel angry about any of this, I just want to fix the things in my life that I feel like I can fix. I hope you have a good thanksgiving break, and only want the best for you.
Seen 6:29pm